In honor of this week’s season finale, I’ve decided to dedicate my first real blog to my favorite television show, LOST.

 

I need to put it out on the table: I am a “Skater.” If that means nothing to you, then you most likely live a relatively healthy, nerd-free existence. Good for you. If you’re my husband (and let’s face it, if you’re reading this, you probably are), you’re shaking your head in disgust because, yes, “Skater” is one of those pop couple name combinations, a la Brangelina or Tomkat (or Framanda, my personal favorite). From the very first season, I have pulled for a Sawyer and Kate union – an island-marriage between two sexy, gun-toting, daddy-issued-riddled criminals. I’m a sucker for a love story, and through the Never Have I Ever games, the blackmail kiss for a non-existent inhaler, an unconscious Sawyer calling forth the ghost of Wayne, some dirty sex in an even dirtier cage, and the helicopter sacrifice heard round the world, I squee’d like nobody’s business.

 

Despite all of these moments, true happiness always seemed to evade us Skaters. Instead, we were faced with four seasons of Jater hell. For a long time, I really thought that Kate and Jack would end up together. I mean, Kate and Jack’s first meeting is such a BIG moment (cue Jack’s “nerves just spilled out of her like angel hair pasta” speech). It seemed like the writers marked their names down in the book of fate from day one, with Sawyer being cast as the shirtless distraction who is fun for awhile but not “the real thing.” God, Jack and Kate are the worst couple ever! Ugh. I shudder just thinking about them both spending all their time together, crying in every room of their house.

 

Thankfully, things have changed this last season and the unholy alliance that is Kate-and-Jack (Jaters suck ass) finally came to a pretty undeniable end. Jack finally realized that he’s waaaaay more in love with himself and erasing everybody’s existence. Now, with Kate finding her way back to 1977, I thought her and Sawyer were finally going to be free to make little Southern, freckle-covered babies. But no, Darlton (more geek-fueled couple names – Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof, the head writers) needed to string saps like me on for one more season, so they introduced “Suliet.”

 

Filled with righteous indignation, I cry bullcrap: Bullcrap! I mean really - Juliet scares me, and not just because she’s a secretive, self-serving ex-Other who never gave me any real reason to trust her, and it’s also not because she walks, talks, and stands like a robot or blinks and bobs her head like a bird. I mean, I like Juliet as much as the next guy, with her consistently low-cut shirts and her hair that sometimes magically straightens itself. I just don’t like her with Sawyer. At all. I’m in no way invested. Like a car crash, it all happened too fast and all I have to show for it is a nasty case of whiplash.

 

From what I have seen on the nerd-sites, people actually LIKE Suliet. Utter insanity. Can’t people see that this Juliet-loving, jumpsuit-wearing “James” character is just another long con whether Sawyer wants to admit it to himself or not!?!

 

I’m calm.

 

Anyway, bringing this around to the season finale… I’m really hoping that Wednesday’s episode brings some final Skate resolution. The buzz is that someone – someone major – is going to die, and I’m crossing my fingers for Juliet! In fact, I’ve already devised a way for the writers to kill her! Remember that time Juliet was charged by the Others for killing Pickett (that douchebag who almost killed Sawyer outside of the cages)? Juliet’s death sentence was commuted, and she was branded with some weird symbol that signifies “traitor.” Well, I think that when her and Sawyer get off that damn sub (and we know they will from previews), good old eyeliner boy, Richard Alpert, and his minions will see this mark and tie Juliet to four stacks in the ground, calling forth the smoke monster to tear her limb-from-limb - thus freeing up Sawyer for some instant comfort sex from Kate! Sweet.

 

I have tons of other theories and thoughts, including the belief that Jack won’t be able to change anything, so instead he’ll cry alone in a corner, and that Desmond is the key to everything, showing up on a boat at the last second to screw with the space-time continuum. I hope Jacob is a character we know and not someone new. I want Ben to steal the reigns back from Locke in some shocking, Jacob-killing twist that Ben had planned out all along. I expect that Faraday had some kind of kickass back-up plan in place before he died, and I hope Charlie, alive and well, has been hiding in the guitar case Hurley’s been lugging around all along. I miss Charlie.

 

A season finale of LOST has never disappointed before, and I’m sure that even if not one of my ideas are right, I’ll enjoy the two hours immensely I just hope that it’s not so good that I have no choice but to call off work the next day. That would be a shame. Or not.